Thoughts from Today

A few things I have learned so far after almost a week in Cambodia:
 - Air conditioning is a priceless gift
- Not being able to communicate is frustrating
- Language learning is hard work and I haven't even officially started yet!
 - I am so thankful for team and how they act like family.
 - I love the smiles here
- The traffic never ceases to make me smile. You never know what you will see
- I hate that I am probably making thousands of cultural mistakes without even realizing it
- It breaks my heart to see the brokenness here, in many forms. I wonder daily what I can do about it with my limited language.
 - I don't know what God has for the future but I KNOW for right now I am exactly where I need to be.

We Have Arrived!

It is so exciting to finally be in the place we have been preparing to come to for so long! One of the ways God confirmed his calling to me back in 2011 in the village was that I had this overwhelming sense of being home. When we landed in Phnom Penh on Sunday and began our journey to the guesthouse in the tuk tuk piled high with all of our earthly belongings, I couldn't help smiling. It doesn't feel quite like the plains of Nebraska which will always be home for me, but I have definitely felt a peace here knowing this is what God has for me right now.

It is has been a productive few days here already! I have gotten to have some of my favorite Cambodian treats- iced coffee with sweet cream (there is nothing quite like it!), rice and fried pork, and curry. Someone found a wonderful apartment for us and we were able to check it out and sign the contract right away. We should be able to move in later this week. We visited a couple of language schools and settled on one that is right around the corner from our apartment! Kristin and I will meet every day with a tutor for a couple of hours and then will go out to the market and other areas to put what we have learned into practice. Already we know of a couple of shops where we can visit often to enjoy a cold glass of juice or iced coffee and build relationships as we practice the language.

Right now I am enjoying all of the new experiences and cool ways that God is providing for our every need! I have been so thankful for all of the help from our field supervisor and local team here to help us get settled and adjusted. I know there will be frustrating days ahead and I appreciate everyone's prayers so much! Please pray for a clear and quick mind as we begin to learn the language and that even though we can't communicate we can be a light for the Father.

The Waiting

“Waiting is boring. It’s discouraging and worst of all it gives place to schemes. When we see nothing happening we want to make something happen. That’s what Sarah did when she told Abraham to take Hagar and have a baby with her. She had reached the point where the possibility of new life being created inside of her seemed ridiculous. Impossible. Laughable.” (Robin Jones Gunn)

God gave me a dream and a prayer to pray last year. A seemingly impossible dream for the person my sister would marry- my teammate Kristin’s brother Ben. I prayed diligently through the summer until the two of them had the chance to travel to Cambodia together and then I prayed like crazy while they were there.

Beth came home and she was in love. Wow! God had answered at least half of the prayer. We waited and started praying together. But the waiting seemed long and I fought the temptation to “scheme”, to figure out some way to make it happen. There were moments of hope when anything seemed possible, but I wasn’t sure if I was just making it up. There were moments when I said, “Lord, did I get this wrong? If this is what You want then why isn’t anything happening?”

They came to see Kristin and me in Colorado in April, my siblings and Ben. A perfect weekend together of hiking and dining and talking and laughing- seven “siblings” all together. They left and I fell on my knees. “God I am tired of waiting!”

That morning I read Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I gave all of these hopes and dreams over to Him. I said, “Lord, I give you my heart. Fill it with the desires YOU want to be there”. There was nothing magical in that prayer, but God heard. The very next day there was a text message and a phone call and a random trip to Kearney, and God said, “This is the story that only I could write”. And now three weeks later they are engaged, ready to serve God and advance His Kingdom and model in their relationship the love Jesus has for us.

Waiting is hard. There are prayers I have prayed, dreams in my heart that are still residing there, unanswered. I now ask that God puts HIS desires there and shapes those dreams to match His. In the waiting, I know I can grow. I can be pruned so that when the bloom of hope and answers come, it is more beautiful than I can even imagine. I keep praying and trusting the Almighty God who controls the universe and knows my heart.

“We are held by the One who put these dreams in our hearts. All we can do is wait. He infuses that which appears hopeless with life-giving, resurrection power. He brings the beauty in His time”. (Robin Jones Gunn)

Last Days in Texas

March, 2013

Beth was in Texas for Candidate Conference and we got to visit downtown Dallas and the art museum. 

My favorite building in all of Dallas- Fountain Place!

One last steak dinner

The office hosted a going-away party for me complete with delicious Asian food

What a fun time of fellowship

A fun version of Pictionary

The whole group!

I had many wonderful lunches and dinners with friends before leaving!

Give Me Your Heart

For the longest time I thought I was independent and capable. I was good at my job and took great pride in knowing the answer to any question thrown at me. I was good at school, at least at maintaining a 4.0 during graduate school, knowing how to write a paper that would please my professor. I was a generally good person, not making any major life mistakes and was respected for the choices I was making to follow The Lord.

But I see now that I was self-righteous, leaning on my own strength, conceited and keeping God at a distance. I could not let myself be vulnerable before others or The Lord. My prayers for the most part were shallow because I did not trust my heart before the Father. While I was at MTI the last five weeks, God said, "No more. I want your heart. I want your dependence on me and not on yourself". It happened all of a sudden. One of the guys who was at PILAT as a drill coach said something to me at supper that struck me to the core. It wasn't meant that way at all but it was like the curtain was thrown back and I saw my heart for what it was- a sinful mess. I went back to my room and wept. I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping up the front that doesn't allow anyone into my heart during the first two weeks of training, but going into the last three that wasn't possible. Every day we examined our lives, learned about how we fail and we try to act like we know more than God but fall on our faces before Him. By the end of my time at MTI, I felt more weak, vulnerable, and incapable than I ever have before.

But I discovered God's mercy. When I am weak and open, He pours His strength in me. As we wept over the things we are grieving and our goodbyes, I thought, "There is no way I can do this. It hurts too much". But God was right there to say, "Keep my eyes on Me. I will go with you". So I cling to Him, in these days when I can't keep my head on straight as I try to remember all I have to do and buy and pack. I cling to the Rock when I feel like my entire world is shaken, when I can't imagine life without grocery stores, internet, Christian radio, my family and sibling time, and church community. 

I know that the pruning is not done yet and I am so thankful that God does not leave us as we are!
The discipline is not pleasant but I yearn for His work in my life so that I am not left to my own devices. He is Good and He is Faithful.

 From The Valley of Vision: "O God, make me worthy of this calling, that the name of Jesus may be glorified in me and I in him".