A Time for Mourning

Jeremiah 9:17-18 This is what The Lord Almighty says: "Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come; send for the most skillful of them. Let them come quickly and wail over us till our eyes overflow with tears and water streams from our eyelids".

Today we grieved together. Each stage of life includes transition and with that comes losses that must be grieved. Some of these griefs hurt and sting worse than others but we cannot avoid them.

Leaving our homes and families and life as we have known it means saying goodbye to many different things. It might mean saying goodbye and grieving the loss of close friends, stability, safety, and identity.

Today the tears flowed and we wept together. We mourned together these things, prayed over these things and wrote out our laments to God. We went back to Scripture, clinging to God's promises and proclaiming His praises in the midst of the tears.

I want to allow myself to mourn the losses that I am experiencing, the dreams I am giving up, the deep pain that saying goodbye is stirring in my heart. But I don't want to stay there. I need to incorporate the losses into my understanding of who I am, who God is and move on to grow. Loss is part of life and I want to acknowledge that just as I am saying goodbye, so too are my parents and friends and others. I want to say in the midst of it all, "God is good. He is all-sufficient for me".

Being Rooted

Yesterday we talked about the stages of transition. After such a traumatic week, I was ready for something easy. Instead, I found myself wrestling with God. I like my roots! I like to know that I am safe, comfortable, connected. This is the Settled Stage.

Then change happens. We get pulled up and enter the Unsettled Stage. I don't like the feeling that my "snow globe" is being shaken, that I must let go of the familiar and comfortable. I feel in many ways like I am in this stage right now. I started out my time at MTI excited and ready to go to the field. This last week especially I have been confronted with my weaknesses and the things that I am saying goodbye to. It hurts and it is hard!

The middle stage is scary too. It is the rootless stage or Chaos! In this stage I am often anxious and fearful. I also know that it is in the chaos that God holds my hand tight. I learn to lean into Him, cling to the Rock when I have nothing else to hold on to. I know that I am getting ready to enter this stage soon.

But there is hope (there always is in Jesus)! Although the unsettled stage and chaos stages are hard, God reshapes us, pulls apart our dry and clumped roots so they can be transplanted again. The Re-settling might be a bit confusing, but God gives grace.

Then we must find the "new normal", the new settled. It will never be the same as the old settled, but my hope is that as I go through this process and come out on the other side, I am more mature and more dependent on The Lord.

I don't like the idea of change or transition, but I am learning that through it all, I can lean on The Lord and find my rest in Him, even in the midst of chaos.

Beauty in the Valley

From The Valley of Vision
Destroy in me every lofty thought,
Break pride to pieces and scatter it to the winds,
Annihilate each clinging shred of self-righteousness,
Implant in me true lowliness of spirit,
Abase me to self-loathing and self-abhorrence,
Open in me a fount of penitential tears,
Break me, then bind me up;
Thus will my heart be a prepared dwelling place for my God...
I ask great things of a great God.

The last few days have been such a roller-coaster.

I have seen God answer two big, bold prayers in a way that only He could.

I have seen God bring healing to brokenness and freedom from lies from the past.

I have hidden from rebel forces, watched them take and shoot hostages, all in a simulation to find out who I am under stress.

I have celebrated a birthday, a day to look at my expectations and my reality and say still, "God is faithful and He is good".

I have wept at the things and people that I am saying goodbye to, declaring again, "It is worth it".

Through all of this, God is exposing the icky parts of Sarah, the places in my heart that need to be broken and bound up, healed and redeemed, made vulnerable in order to find freedom. It hurts and I don't like it, but I want my heart to be a prepared dwelling place for my God, fully surrendered and totally His.

The Wrestling

We started Week #2 of SPLICE today, and my brain is full from everything we have been learning (at least it feels like there is no room left!). Much of what is happening in my heart is wrestling. There are questions that have come up, issues that we are dealing with and there are no easy answers.

Friday we spent the whole day learning about different ways of resolving conflict and the strengths and weaknesses of each. There are five major styles of conflict resolution:

- Directing: these people's goals are highly important to them but their concern for what matters to others tends to be of minor importance (high focus on task, lower focus on relationship).

- Avoiding: these people tend to withdraw in order to avoid conflicts and spend a lot of time processing (low focus on task, lower focus on relationships).

- Harmonizing: the relationship is of great importance, while their own agenda is of little importance; conflict should be avoided in favor of harmony (low focus on task, high focus on relationship).

- Compromising: these people are moderately concerned with their own agenda and about their relationships with people, seek a solution that spreads the winning and losing (moderate focus on task and relationship).

- Collaborating: they view conflicts as a problem to be solved and seek a solution that achieves both their goals and the goals of the other person in conflict; they are not satisfied until a solution is found (high focus on task, high focus on relationship).

I am definitely a Harmonizer and it was fascinating to hear the perspectives of the other styles. I was confronted with ways that I deal with confrontation that hurt others or make them feel demotivated. As part of our homework over the weekend we had to talk with someone close to us, someone from our family of origin, and a teammate to get their viewpoint of our conflict resolution style and I felt like some of the things I had been learning were confirmed, and other things were revealed that I need to continue to deal with in my heart. This is the wrestling.

Other big questions from today (that probably need an entire post some day):

- Am I reading the Bible through a cultural lens? (um, yes)
- What does truth telling look like in another culture?
- To what degree am I willing to give up feeling "normal" and what does that look like?

 Philippians 2:3-4 (The Message) Put yourself aside and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Making Judgments

We are on Day 2 of SPLICE, our training in cross-cultural adaptation. It has been an intense couple of days and my heart is full!

Today we did a simulation to illustrate how we observe and interact in new cultures. I am normally pretty apprehensive about these kinds of things, but was curious about what would take place. The setting was an island on which our airplane had to make an emergency landing. The men and women were separated and told to wait for what seemed like a long time in lines. Then we were ushered into a room (our training room) where all the tables and chairs were up-ended, trash was everywhere, the lights were off and a large sign on the wall said, "Keep silent. Women to the back". There were forms to fill out, but all the letters were backwards. We were told to fill them out, stay separated, and we waited for what again seemed like forever. Finally we were ushered back out to re-board our plane.

In going through the simulation, I made judgments of this "culture" based on my observations. I was looking through a filter, standing on a certain meaning base in order to interpret what I was experiencing. Later after we talked through the exercise, our trainer gave us information about the values of the "culture". I was convicted and humbled actually, because of the negative judgments I had made. This "culture" seemed wrong compared to my American filter.

Now, I have traveled a fair amount cross-culturally and had lots of good training on how to value differences and suspend judgment. But thrown into a situation that was intimidating and unnerving (I was pretty sure we were going to be lined up and randomly "shot at"), I went right back to making judgments. And I was completely wrong! I have a lot to learn as I prepare to enter a new culture.

Cleaning out the Junk

I have noticed that when I am out of my comfort zone, the sin and junk in my heart tends to rise to the surface. I don't know about you, but I don't really like to acknowledge the bad things, the ugly things that have a hold of me. To be honest, I am not sure the last time I really stopped to analyze this. As I have been here at training in Colorado, spending more focused time with The Lord and being pushed outside of my normal boundaries, I have been more brokenhearted over this sin in my life.

Yesterday at church the sermon was focused on Jesus Christ, our High Priest. It was the perfect topic to follow-up on the things God has been teaching me. The law came to reveal sin but did not provide an answer for sin or a way to break the bondage. That is why Jesus came. God, in the flesh of Adam, living here on earth and satisfying the law. Jesus, who lives now and intercedes on our behalf and invites us into the throne room of grace. Wow!

My sin should still break my heart, but my eyes should not just stop at looking inward. Instead, the sad state of my heart should turn my eyes to Jesus. If it were not for his sacrifice, if it were not for his grace, this would be the end. I would live this way for eternity. But He provides not only salvation but tender discipline (although it doesn't always feel so tender). He wants us to be more like him and so he doesn't leave us to wallow in our sinful state. He transforms us through his Word, through others in our lives around us, through daily obedience to His Holy Spirit.

The song "Before the Throne of God Above" is so perfect as I continue to reflect on what God is teaching me.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
 With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God
Listen to the song here: http://youtu.be/4RpcF2TLJBs

Walking at My Own Pace

Colorado is a beautiful place to hike! I have gotten to check out the New Santa Fe Trail right next to MTI, as well as taking part in some mountain hiking complete with spectacular views from the top. I love getting out to explore God's creation and breathe in the cool mountain air.

 I have noticed though that people like to walk a lot faster than I do! I have to really book it to keep up, and the exercise is good for me. This week though I decided to take a walk on my own (before the snow hit and I was stuck inside). I leisurely set my own pace, stopping to take pictures or just enjoy the view. I didn't get my heart rate up the same way as when I had a very fast pace-setter but I enjoyed the time.

 I have found my life and relationships are similar to a walk. We need people who will challenge us to go farther, dig deeper, and make it to the top when the path is very steep. There are many times that friends challenge me to get involved in something that I wouldn't have gotten involved in on my own. The community around me challenges me spiritually by asking questions I wouldn't think to ask.

At the same time, sometimes I need to take things at my own pace. I may be more of a turtle than a rabbit when it comes to language learning or trying something new and that is okay. I need time to pull away and process rather than being with people 24-7, and it is important to understand who we are and what we need.

I don't have this walk figured out yet, but I am excited to continue learning and growing.

Reflections After a Week of PILAT

Language learning has been a source of worry for a long time. I know that it is so important to understand the heart language of the Khmer people and be able to share with them, so I have been determined to pursue it but dreaded the process.

 After a week of PILAT, my perspective is starting to change! I have made sounds and been able to recognize sounds I never thought would be possible for me to do. I was challenged by the Bible study at the beginning from 2 Corinthians where Paul talked about the discipline required to run the race, beating his body to make it his slave. Language learning DOES take a lot of hard work, persistence, endurance. But it can be fun too!

 I had never thought about the fact that language learning is a human capability. I am human therefore I can learn language! A big part of this for me is confidence. I have lacked confidence in many parts of my life, and before PILAT I was looking at language learning with the same eyes. It is so cool to see how God created our mouths to form so many different kinds of sounds, and to learn how different languages use these sounds.

 Being from the Midwest I have always felt that I had a neutral accent, but even just having English as my native language I now know that I will bring my own spin to Khmer. I feel like one of the important things I am learning at PILAT is how to listen carefully. I can't always make my mouth produce exactly what I want it to right away, but I can hear the difference and with practice I can work on producing the correct sounds.

 I have always loved learning in the classroom context for academic purposes and so the idea that language learning is social rather than academic is a new approach for me. I am thankful for the opportunities we have had to practice this during our first week. In our language time, I have loved learning from Trudy, the French language helper but also from the others in my group. I am so excited to get to Cambodia and have fun learning with the Khmer people around me. I know they will be interested in why I am learning Khmer and eager to help me practice.

 In our first year on the field, we are supposed to focus on learning the language and the culture. Now I can see that these two things are very connected. It is helpful to think about this now, so that I can focus on listening both with my ears and with my heart. It is one thing to learn a list of vocabulary words and another to really understand what is being said and why based on the cultural context.

 I would tend to head right away to grammar and structure and could probably get stuck there pretty easily. Language is structured with rules, you can't get away with poor grammar in most places. It is important to learn the rules but I am learning to do a lot of listening and practicing pronunciation first and then I can work on grammar later. It has also been fun trying this out in our French time. I would normally want to know or the teacher would emphasize the sentence structure and word order and why it is a certain way. Instead, I am working more on listening well, learning the different methods and pronouncing things correctly. It is a different focus and the structure can come in time. All of these areas represent paradigm shifts as I prepare to learn the Khmer language.

  Reflections based on the PILAT Premises of Language Learning
1. Language is a human capability
2. Language is a personal production.
 3. Language is a social activity.
 4. Language is a cultural expression.
 5. Language is a structured system.

Perspective

I heard a cool story at MTI from one of the missionaries leading it. She and her husband served in Vietnam as Bible translators among a minority people group. They first had to put an alphabet to the language of the people and then worked to begin translating. After North Vietnam fell to the Communists, the missionaries were only allowed to work in the south. Many people in America look at the Vietnam War as a failure, costly both in money and in lives. It was definitely a difficult conflict. But the missionary said that the American presence in Vietnam bought the missionaries at least 7 years. 7 years to keep sharing the Gospel, 7 years to keep translating the Word of God. They bought the missionaries time. Just think about the lives that were saved because of the Gospel message. It amazed me that God can take something horrible like war and use it for His glory and for His name to be proclaimed.

PILAT Day 1

Maybe I can do this after all! Today was our first day of PILAT at Mission Training International. This is a two week language acquisition course designed to help your mind and mouth get ready to learn a new language. My brain is full from the first day but I feel like my perspective on language learning is starting to change just a bit. I remember when I was taking violin lessons and my instructor was trying to help me learn pitch by playing different notes and having me pay attention to the distinctions. I never could hear as well as he wanted me to which was really frustrating. I have tended to have the same fear for language learning: I wouldn't be very good at it because I don't have a good ear and I don't remember things as quickly or as well as others. I have just had apprehensions about the whole process. One of the big things that has started to be built by this time at MTI is the confidence that I can learn a new language. It is part of being human, and I am human therefore I can do it! Perhaps not right away or as quickly as some people. But God has put inside each of us the brain and the mouth and the ears to learn language. I have a long ways to go, but that is why I am here!