{Grieving the Familiar}

I come from a family that thrives on tradition. We do things because we have always done them that way. Particularly around the holidays, there is a deep sense of joy that comes from the familiar ways that we celebrate. I am not as much of a stickler about this as I used to be (it is not worthy of great punishment if you listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving day, although I will still frown at you).

For some reason it hit me today that I would not be home for Christmas. For the first time EVER. I won't have snow or be able curl up under a blanket, cozy with hot chocolate and a long-awaited book, savoring the quiet of time away from work (or school). I won't be there for our sibling Christmas-eve slumber party, or to laugh over our family gifts to each other. I will miss singing familiar carols at my home church, united in spirit and worship of our Savior. And all the other things that have meant Christmas to me.

So what will I get? Probably joy-filled celebrations with my Cambodian brothers and sisters. Discovering new traditions with Kristin. Maybe a cup of homemade hot chocolate next to Kristin's fireplace screen saver and a new book on my Kindle. Knowing that Jesus left His home to come to our world, a much more painful transition than I could imagine, knowing He did that for me. How can I not be obedient, even if that means giving up the familiar, giving up the sweet fullness that comes when we are altogether as family? I am so thankful for His grace as I walk this path, learning to lean on Him more and more. 

Zoo Trip!

Yesterday we went with a group from our church to take about 25 kids from a village to the zoo in Takeo province. It was a long day but my heart was full by the time we got home. Here are a few highlights, stories and special moments.



- I am thankful that love and laughter and a big smile can transcend language barriers. I had great aspirations of asking the kids lots of questions and really progressing in my comprehension. Unfortunately the night before we had a wedding on our street, which meant VERY loud music and not a lot of sleep. One cup of coffee was not enough but it was all I got, and I think my brain started shutting down at 7:00 a.m. But the kids didn't seem to mind that I asked them questions that didn't quite make sense, or that sometimes I would stare at them blankly when I couldn't figure out what they were saying. They were content to hold my hand and babble on about how cool the animals were.

- There weren't a lot of other people at the zoo, but any time the kids would see another Westerner, they would ask me in Khmer, "Do you know them?" They didn't quite understand when I told them I didn't. "They are 'barang' (foreigner) like you".

- There was a little boy that was watching the games the kids were playing in the morning. I don't know his story but he couldn't talk and I'm not sure if he could hear. He was excited when we gave him some of the rice and chicken for lunch. Later he ended up being our tour guide. He led us through the different pens where we could get up close to the different animals. When he smiled his whole face lit up, and he loved being with the other kids. It was fun watching the kids in our group too and how they used their own version of sign language to communicate with him.

- The Cambodian people who worked at the zoo thought it was pretty funny that two white girls were walking around with a group of Khmer children. Some of the visitors to the zoo thought it was interesting as well. Towards the end of the day, a Cambodian tourist approached us and said his sister (who was about our age) wanted to get a picture with us. We were hot and tired and looked as much, but she posed with us like we were someone famous.

- It was almost time to leave and the kids had stopped to check out a large tiger. Kristin and I stayed in the truck to rest for a minute. One of the teachers drove us a bit farther to the elephant area. They had a spot where you could go right up and meet and greet the elephant. It was a bit intimidating at first, but it was a special moment for me getting to see one of God's creatures up close. There weren't any other tourists around, and the kids hadn't caught up with us yet, and it was almost a holy moment. Wow, what a creative God we serve and how cool to get to experience this day, enjoying His handiwork with a bunch of sweet kiddos.

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Stone Faced

Isaiah 50:7 Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame.

This has become my theme verse for language learning! Some days I rejoice because I was able to explain our change in plans to our "uncle" and he showed up at the new time to take us to class. I rejoice when I understand full sentences and even paragraphs! I rejoice when I can share with our teacher about how my sister is marrying Kristin's brother and we get to go home in September for the wedding, and she laughs long and smiles big and is so happy for us.

Then there are those days. Yep, the ones where I stare blankly back at my teacher when I did not understand a word that just came out of her mouth. You are speaking the language I have been learning the last month, right? The days when I come back to our apartment and feel like my brain is going to explode and will I ever move forward? But that is when I press into my Savior and press forward. I take great comfort in the fact that He is the One who called me to this place, He is the One who created this language and created my brain with the ability to learn it.

I remember back to 2011 when I was preparing to come to western Cambodia and help with VBS. We were supposed to be helping the girls with a sewing project and also teaching them to crochet, a skill I did not yet know. I bought a book, some yarn and a hook and attempted to teach myself. I mastered the first kind of stitch we needed to learn, and I understood the concept of the second but could not for the life of me get the yarn and hook to cooperate. I took it home with me for a mini-vacation and explained it to my sister who figured it out and tried to show me. I was so frustrated because I wasn't going to be able to help teach the girls in the village and was ready to give up. My brother was sitting there in the living room, listening to my complaining. He gave me a sports analogy which has stuck with me. "You just have to keep going until you get over the hump. Then you've got it. But you have to get over the hump first." He shared how he was trying to learn how to throw a certain type of baseball pitch and it wasn't coming. Instead of giving up (like I was about to do) he kept going, persevering. And then he got it. So, I sat on our couch and decided to keep trying! And I finally got it, after multiple stitches ripped out and re-starts.

I am determined to learn this language even though it doesn't come naturally to me and some days, those days, I just want to give up and go home or at least speak to someone in English for awhile.

If God has called you to a task, called you to stand up for Truth and declare His Name, He will not leave you hanging. He will not let you be disgraced but you must keep pressing forward and working hard!

Light in the Darkness

There are so many things I love about the people of Cambodia and the places that feel like home now here in Phnom Penh. So many things that make me smile and even laugh out loud, make me curious. 

But there is darkness here and it makes me sad. A pub in the red light district of Phnom Penh named Heart of Darkness, where untold evil happens night after night. Children begging because someone else knows it will pull at our heart strings and the child will get next to nothing. I talked to a woman begging today near the market, and she wouldn't look me in the eye, only mumbling. Do you know your worth, dear one? A man on the corner today invited me to his home and was willing to pay me money, a moment when I wished I didn't understand Khmer. Don't you want to be set free, made alive? It made me angry today, seeing these things. Protest and redeem they taught us at MTI. But how to protest all of this darkness, how to redeem all of this evil? Only The Lord.

We sat at Sisters, our favorite cafe near the market, a mocha smoothie soothing my anger. A cafe that offers hope to women wanting to leave a slavery to prostitution, giving them life and grace and a new path. The girls there have worked their way into my heart with their smiles and laughter and grace for my language attempts. It is Jesus who redeems, His light shining here that can penetrate the darkness. So while there is not much I can do, I pray. I smile a lot and try to talk to people when I can. I ask that God brings true, lasting transformation here and that He can use this weak vessel to accomplish His purposes in this place.

 Isaiah 51:14-15 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free, they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread. For I am The Lord your God who churns up the sea so that its waves roar- The Lord Almighty is His name.

On Being a (Language) Learner

I am normally a pretty good student if you look at my grades. A 4.0 while working full-time and taking 3 graduate level classes in a semester isn't bad, eh? I at least knew how to read professors and figure out what they wanted so I could write my paper and take the test to please them.

Being a learner is different than being a student, I think. In attempting to learn the language of Cambodia I can not expect to have the language pushed into my brain. I need to be proactive and pull the language in. This requires much more effort and initiative on my part. I have to be curious and inquisitive. Do they always use this word this way? How do you say this word or phrase that may not be in the lesson plan but is important to my life? For example, I love the Cambodian-style iced coffee and instead of ordering it in English at our routine cafe, I decided to bumble my way through asking how to say it in Khmer. And now I can! I have found being a learner also means stepping out and trying new and very uncomfortable things. I don't like trying to tell a story in Khmer when my vocabulary is so limited, but instead of just sticking with what I know I am trying to explore new areas and have fun with the experience.

I think being a learner applies to more than just the study of language. Do you have a curiosity for the world that God has created and attempt to find out new things, or do you wait (like I normally have) for someone to decide to teach it to you? How do you approach God's Word? Do you come to it with a thirst for understanding the depths and riches of our awesome God, or is it just based on acquiring more knowledge? As learners we should not be content to just put in facts, but rather live them and get out of our comfort zone in an attempt to follow the things that God has commanded. We should never stop in our role of learner, and I am ever so slowly coming to understand all that this means for me.

Together

Dtaung Ah Kanea: All Together

Exuberant worship, joy spilling over with hands raised high
A celebration of parents and children and the prodigal come home
Dances- Khmer traditional and modern, the past meeting the present

Gathering and fellowship
Mats covering the floor, shoes pushed to the side
Heaping bowls of rice noodles, steaming curry and lentils, fruit piled high
The invitation- come and sit, eat and fellowship
Together, all in one place

On the other side of the world the story is the same, the picture different
Tables and chairs, potluck fare, English spoken
But together, fellowship

There are people missing, they haven't heard
The Father says, "Invite them to the feast"
Some day in heaven, the perfect banquet
All peoples will worship the King, joined in one heart and spirit
All together

A Snapshot of My Cambodian Life

You may be wondering what we do every day (or perhaps not; if that is the case, you can skip this entry). :) I would love to tell you what a typical day looks like! Our days start early, which is typical of many Cambodians. My alarm goes off at 5:15 and I take a quick lukewarm shower- perfect for waking up! A cup of coffee first thing is a necessity, and after some sweet time in God's Word (also a necessity), Kristin and I eat breakfast together. We have been making our own granola and enjoying the variety of fruits they have here- mangoes, papaya, dragon fruit, rambutan, longans, and mangosteen- but mangoes are definitely our fav!

  

 We walk out of our apartment and enter into city life- traffic of all kinds up and down our street and everyone already hard at work. If he's there at his usual hangout spot, we wave to our favorite tuk-tuk driver and to the auntie at the little stall on our corner as we walk the half a block to language school which starts at 7:00 a.m.

  

   

For the next two hours we attempt to converse with our tutor, taking turns repeating phrases and making up questions and sentences. I am grateful to be working just with Kristin and the tutor and not an entire classroom full of students.

 After our two hours of class, we come back to our apartment for a bit of a break and to review all we have learned. Depending on how the morning went, sometimes a second cup of coffee is in order! Then it is practice time! We go to the local market almost every day for fresh fruits and veggies and other things we need. This isn't like going to the local Wal-mart: we squeeze through the narrow aisles of stalls selling anything you could imagine really! You just have to know what area to search for certain things, and often I am surprised when I am on the look out for something that seems random, I can normally find it. Our purchasing language is expanding and we are able to explain more of what we want/need and understand the price they give us much more quickly! The tuk-tuk and moto drivers are starting to recognize us and will call out their "Hellos" as we walk past. There are often cultural events in our neighborhood to check out as we walk the familiar route: weddings, funerals and other celebrations.

After we have done our shopping and talking, we work more on our own to study and prepare. We are finding creative ways to pull the language in- a clock with Khmer numbers, labels for items/places in our apartment and the days of the week, and yesterday we found several children's books at the market that we can use to remember vocabulary and use to create stories to practice dialogue and narrative.

We also have made several friends that we can meet with to practice! Right now we run out of things to say pretty quickly, but it will be fun to soon be able to converse more with them! We also have been attending a Khmer church and have met some really sweet people there as well. We can pick out a few words from the sermon that we recognize and thankfully one of our friends lets us know what the Bible passage is so we have some idea of what the sermon topic is. We make most of our own meals and switch between Cambodian style and a few favorite American dishes. Kristin is normally our expert chef and I assist or just do the dishes after the meal. Bed time comes early, after more review and practice and maybe some reading just for fun.

We have settled into a routine, but God has new adventures for us every day!

The Paradox

At MTI they taught us about paradox in our hearts- seemingly contradictory thoughts/feelings about the same issue. They used a pair of ducks to illustrate this point- the yay duck and the yuck duck. We can have a whole range of feelings residing right along side of each other in our hearts.

I didn't realize how true that would be! I have so many different emotions in my heart after such a short time of being here. My heart feels ready to burst with how much I love this place and these people. I'm sure some of it has to do with the "honeymoon" stage of cultural adjustment, but I think there is a deep down love that God has given me and I am asking Him to keep growing that love. I feel sad to be missing out on so much going on at home- getting to know my future brother-in-law and helping my sister plan her wedding, being able to talk to my siblings and parents for longer than the 10 minutes our internet connection lasts. There is a frustration over the brokenness I see and a longing to see transformation come. I feel inadequate for this task, when I have studied and studied and then can't understand a simple question rephrased just a bit, or when I just want to read a book instead of talking to people so much (oh language learning as an introvert).

Yet, over ALL these emotions is a blanket of peace. It isn't like the range of emotions have gone away but rather God is letting me experience them while guarding my heart from these emotions running wild. This is totally from Him because I know otherwise I would be a mess by now! On my own I am not up to this task, and that is why I must keep running back to Him. I keep examining my heart through His eyes and naming the yay and yuck ducks (and all their friends), and keep walking this journey, holding the hand of my Savior.

 Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, make your requests know to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Everyday Grace

It would be easy I suppose to get frustrated by the seemingly inconvenient aspects of life here. There is no Walmart or the like where we can get everything we need at one place. Shopping requires planning and stops at several markets or at least multiple stalls in the market. The heat is taxing, the internet works only sporadically and the language is very different than my native tongue.

I do get annoyed sometimes by these things, but I have been discovering God's love for me in the little things, the little gifts and every day grace moments that He gives. Like today, when after several hours of the electricity being off, our fans began working again and the apartment cooled down. When the breeze blows in cool as the day's storm rolls in, the clouds building up and the thunder sounding loud. When I know the right phrase to say at the right time and I am understood (what a gift that is!). Little boys with umbrellas and rain on tin roofs, finding a clock with Khmer numbers and a notebook with plastic sleeves- exactly what we wanted. Our mango lady and her toothless grin, seeing us coming back for more. When I can smile big and the taxi driver agrees to a lower price. Iced Khmer coffee that is the most wonderful thing in the world, homemade granola in the morning, and a few moments of air conditioning before going to bed. These things are so ordinary, so small, but they are everyday grace. I miss this grace when I get caught up in the stress of the day and only look for big gifts. But God is there, showing His love and inviting me to look deeper.

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. 

Amazing Love

Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth in his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much God loves the Cambodian people. I know that His love for them was part of my motivation and passion for coming, what spurred me to leave my comfort zone and my family. Many of the people here don't know this love and need someone to show it and tell it to them. But do I understand the mighty overflowing-the-banks-of-the-river, the crushing-weight-of-a-waterfall kind of love that God has? When I drive by a brothel or see a child at an intersection cleaning car windshields, or laugh at the insane traffic and see the toothy grin of a tuk-tuk driver, do I know God's love? I'm not sure I can even comprehend it, much less show it. This love that sent Jesus to the cross, that showed mercy to the demon-possessed man and the woman that just needed a touch of a cloak to be healed. This love that allowed an introverted, weak and sinful girl from the Midwest who is in no way qualified for this line of work to fly halfway around the world and understand daily grace. Any sort of love I can show others is like a drop in the bucket compared to the ocean of God's love. But I want to grasp it somehow. I want to know the love God has for the Cambodian people and the Muong of Vietnam and Paluang of Myanmar until my heart can't contain it any more and I understand more of God and more of myself and more of this crazy world to which He has called me.