Light in the Darkness

There are so many things I love about the people of Cambodia and the places that feel like home now here in Phnom Penh. So many things that make me smile and even laugh out loud, make me curious. 

But there is darkness here and it makes me sad. A pub in the red light district of Phnom Penh named Heart of Darkness, where untold evil happens night after night. Children begging because someone else knows it will pull at our heart strings and the child will get next to nothing. I talked to a woman begging today near the market, and she wouldn't look me in the eye, only mumbling. Do you know your worth, dear one? A man on the corner today invited me to his home and was willing to pay me money, a moment when I wished I didn't understand Khmer. Don't you want to be set free, made alive? It made me angry today, seeing these things. Protest and redeem they taught us at MTI. But how to protest all of this darkness, how to redeem all of this evil? Only The Lord.

We sat at Sisters, our favorite cafe near the market, a mocha smoothie soothing my anger. A cafe that offers hope to women wanting to leave a slavery to prostitution, giving them life and grace and a new path. The girls there have worked their way into my heart with their smiles and laughter and grace for my language attempts. It is Jesus who redeems, His light shining here that can penetrate the darkness. So while there is not much I can do, I pray. I smile a lot and try to talk to people when I can. I ask that God brings true, lasting transformation here and that He can use this weak vessel to accomplish His purposes in this place.

 Isaiah 51:14-15 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free, they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread. For I am The Lord your God who churns up the sea so that its waves roar- The Lord Almighty is His name.

On Being a (Language) Learner

I am normally a pretty good student if you look at my grades. A 4.0 while working full-time and taking 3 graduate level classes in a semester isn't bad, eh? I at least knew how to read professors and figure out what they wanted so I could write my paper and take the test to please them.

Being a learner is different than being a student, I think. In attempting to learn the language of Cambodia I can not expect to have the language pushed into my brain. I need to be proactive and pull the language in. This requires much more effort and initiative on my part. I have to be curious and inquisitive. Do they always use this word this way? How do you say this word or phrase that may not be in the lesson plan but is important to my life? For example, I love the Cambodian-style iced coffee and instead of ordering it in English at our routine cafe, I decided to bumble my way through asking how to say it in Khmer. And now I can! I have found being a learner also means stepping out and trying new and very uncomfortable things. I don't like trying to tell a story in Khmer when my vocabulary is so limited, but instead of just sticking with what I know I am trying to explore new areas and have fun with the experience.

I think being a learner applies to more than just the study of language. Do you have a curiosity for the world that God has created and attempt to find out new things, or do you wait (like I normally have) for someone to decide to teach it to you? How do you approach God's Word? Do you come to it with a thirst for understanding the depths and riches of our awesome God, or is it just based on acquiring more knowledge? As learners we should not be content to just put in facts, but rather live them and get out of our comfort zone in an attempt to follow the things that God has commanded. We should never stop in our role of learner, and I am ever so slowly coming to understand all that this means for me.

Together

Dtaung Ah Kanea: All Together

Exuberant worship, joy spilling over with hands raised high
A celebration of parents and children and the prodigal come home
Dances- Khmer traditional and modern, the past meeting the present

Gathering and fellowship
Mats covering the floor, shoes pushed to the side
Heaping bowls of rice noodles, steaming curry and lentils, fruit piled high
The invitation- come and sit, eat and fellowship
Together, all in one place

On the other side of the world the story is the same, the picture different
Tables and chairs, potluck fare, English spoken
But together, fellowship

There are people missing, they haven't heard
The Father says, "Invite them to the feast"
Some day in heaven, the perfect banquet
All peoples will worship the King, joined in one heart and spirit
All together

A Snapshot of My Cambodian Life

You may be wondering what we do every day (or perhaps not; if that is the case, you can skip this entry). :) I would love to tell you what a typical day looks like! Our days start early, which is typical of many Cambodians. My alarm goes off at 5:15 and I take a quick lukewarm shower- perfect for waking up! A cup of coffee first thing is a necessity, and after some sweet time in God's Word (also a necessity), Kristin and I eat breakfast together. We have been making our own granola and enjoying the variety of fruits they have here- mangoes, papaya, dragon fruit, rambutan, longans, and mangosteen- but mangoes are definitely our fav!

  

 We walk out of our apartment and enter into city life- traffic of all kinds up and down our street and everyone already hard at work. If he's there at his usual hangout spot, we wave to our favorite tuk-tuk driver and to the auntie at the little stall on our corner as we walk the half a block to language school which starts at 7:00 a.m.

  

   

For the next two hours we attempt to converse with our tutor, taking turns repeating phrases and making up questions and sentences. I am grateful to be working just with Kristin and the tutor and not an entire classroom full of students.

 After our two hours of class, we come back to our apartment for a bit of a break and to review all we have learned. Depending on how the morning went, sometimes a second cup of coffee is in order! Then it is practice time! We go to the local market almost every day for fresh fruits and veggies and other things we need. This isn't like going to the local Wal-mart: we squeeze through the narrow aisles of stalls selling anything you could imagine really! You just have to know what area to search for certain things, and often I am surprised when I am on the look out for something that seems random, I can normally find it. Our purchasing language is expanding and we are able to explain more of what we want/need and understand the price they give us much more quickly! The tuk-tuk and moto drivers are starting to recognize us and will call out their "Hellos" as we walk past. There are often cultural events in our neighborhood to check out as we walk the familiar route: weddings, funerals and other celebrations.

After we have done our shopping and talking, we work more on our own to study and prepare. We are finding creative ways to pull the language in- a clock with Khmer numbers, labels for items/places in our apartment and the days of the week, and yesterday we found several children's books at the market that we can use to remember vocabulary and use to create stories to practice dialogue and narrative.

We also have made several friends that we can meet with to practice! Right now we run out of things to say pretty quickly, but it will be fun to soon be able to converse more with them! We also have been attending a Khmer church and have met some really sweet people there as well. We can pick out a few words from the sermon that we recognize and thankfully one of our friends lets us know what the Bible passage is so we have some idea of what the sermon topic is. We make most of our own meals and switch between Cambodian style and a few favorite American dishes. Kristin is normally our expert chef and I assist or just do the dishes after the meal. Bed time comes early, after more review and practice and maybe some reading just for fun.

We have settled into a routine, but God has new adventures for us every day!

The Paradox

At MTI they taught us about paradox in our hearts- seemingly contradictory thoughts/feelings about the same issue. They used a pair of ducks to illustrate this point- the yay duck and the yuck duck. We can have a whole range of feelings residing right along side of each other in our hearts.

I didn't realize how true that would be! I have so many different emotions in my heart after such a short time of being here. My heart feels ready to burst with how much I love this place and these people. I'm sure some of it has to do with the "honeymoon" stage of cultural adjustment, but I think there is a deep down love that God has given me and I am asking Him to keep growing that love. I feel sad to be missing out on so much going on at home- getting to know my future brother-in-law and helping my sister plan her wedding, being able to talk to my siblings and parents for longer than the 10 minutes our internet connection lasts. There is a frustration over the brokenness I see and a longing to see transformation come. I feel inadequate for this task, when I have studied and studied and then can't understand a simple question rephrased just a bit, or when I just want to read a book instead of talking to people so much (oh language learning as an introvert).

Yet, over ALL these emotions is a blanket of peace. It isn't like the range of emotions have gone away but rather God is letting me experience them while guarding my heart from these emotions running wild. This is totally from Him because I know otherwise I would be a mess by now! On my own I am not up to this task, and that is why I must keep running back to Him. I keep examining my heart through His eyes and naming the yay and yuck ducks (and all their friends), and keep walking this journey, holding the hand of my Savior.

 Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, make your requests know to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Everyday Grace

It would be easy I suppose to get frustrated by the seemingly inconvenient aspects of life here. There is no Walmart or the like where we can get everything we need at one place. Shopping requires planning and stops at several markets or at least multiple stalls in the market. The heat is taxing, the internet works only sporadically and the language is very different than my native tongue.

I do get annoyed sometimes by these things, but I have been discovering God's love for me in the little things, the little gifts and every day grace moments that He gives. Like today, when after several hours of the electricity being off, our fans began working again and the apartment cooled down. When the breeze blows in cool as the day's storm rolls in, the clouds building up and the thunder sounding loud. When I know the right phrase to say at the right time and I am understood (what a gift that is!). Little boys with umbrellas and rain on tin roofs, finding a clock with Khmer numbers and a notebook with plastic sleeves- exactly what we wanted. Our mango lady and her toothless grin, seeing us coming back for more. When I can smile big and the taxi driver agrees to a lower price. Iced Khmer coffee that is the most wonderful thing in the world, homemade granola in the morning, and a few moments of air conditioning before going to bed. These things are so ordinary, so small, but they are everyday grace. I miss this grace when I get caught up in the stress of the day and only look for big gifts. But God is there, showing His love and inviting me to look deeper.

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. 

Amazing Love

Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth in his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much God loves the Cambodian people. I know that His love for them was part of my motivation and passion for coming, what spurred me to leave my comfort zone and my family. Many of the people here don't know this love and need someone to show it and tell it to them. But do I understand the mighty overflowing-the-banks-of-the-river, the crushing-weight-of-a-waterfall kind of love that God has? When I drive by a brothel or see a child at an intersection cleaning car windshields, or laugh at the insane traffic and see the toothy grin of a tuk-tuk driver, do I know God's love? I'm not sure I can even comprehend it, much less show it. This love that sent Jesus to the cross, that showed mercy to the demon-possessed man and the woman that just needed a touch of a cloak to be healed. This love that allowed an introverted, weak and sinful girl from the Midwest who is in no way qualified for this line of work to fly halfway around the world and understand daily grace. Any sort of love I can show others is like a drop in the bucket compared to the ocean of God's love. But I want to grasp it somehow. I want to know the love God has for the Cambodian people and the Muong of Vietnam and Paluang of Myanmar until my heart can't contain it any more and I understand more of God and more of myself and more of this crazy world to which He has called me.

Thoughts from Today

A few things I have learned so far after almost a week in Cambodia:
 - Air conditioning is a priceless gift
- Not being able to communicate is frustrating
- Language learning is hard work and I haven't even officially started yet!
 - I am so thankful for team and how they act like family.
 - I love the smiles here
- The traffic never ceases to make me smile. You never know what you will see
- I hate that I am probably making thousands of cultural mistakes without even realizing it
- It breaks my heart to see the brokenness here, in many forms. I wonder daily what I can do about it with my limited language.
 - I don't know what God has for the future but I KNOW for right now I am exactly where I need to be.

We Have Arrived!

It is so exciting to finally be in the place we have been preparing to come to for so long! One of the ways God confirmed his calling to me back in 2011 in the village was that I had this overwhelming sense of being home. When we landed in Phnom Penh on Sunday and began our journey to the guesthouse in the tuk tuk piled high with all of our earthly belongings, I couldn't help smiling. It doesn't feel quite like the plains of Nebraska which will always be home for me, but I have definitely felt a peace here knowing this is what God has for me right now.

It is has been a productive few days here already! I have gotten to have some of my favorite Cambodian treats- iced coffee with sweet cream (there is nothing quite like it!), rice and fried pork, and curry. Someone found a wonderful apartment for us and we were able to check it out and sign the contract right away. We should be able to move in later this week. We visited a couple of language schools and settled on one that is right around the corner from our apartment! Kristin and I will meet every day with a tutor for a couple of hours and then will go out to the market and other areas to put what we have learned into practice. Already we know of a couple of shops where we can visit often to enjoy a cold glass of juice or iced coffee and build relationships as we practice the language.

Right now I am enjoying all of the new experiences and cool ways that God is providing for our every need! I have been so thankful for all of the help from our field supervisor and local team here to help us get settled and adjusted. I know there will be frustrating days ahead and I appreciate everyone's prayers so much! Please pray for a clear and quick mind as we begin to learn the language and that even though we can't communicate we can be a light for the Father.

The Waiting

“Waiting is boring. It’s discouraging and worst of all it gives place to schemes. When we see nothing happening we want to make something happen. That’s what Sarah did when she told Abraham to take Hagar and have a baby with her. She had reached the point where the possibility of new life being created inside of her seemed ridiculous. Impossible. Laughable.” (Robin Jones Gunn)

God gave me a dream and a prayer to pray last year. A seemingly impossible dream for the person my sister would marry- my teammate Kristin’s brother Ben. I prayed diligently through the summer until the two of them had the chance to travel to Cambodia together and then I prayed like crazy while they were there.

Beth came home and she was in love. Wow! God had answered at least half of the prayer. We waited and started praying together. But the waiting seemed long and I fought the temptation to “scheme”, to figure out some way to make it happen. There were moments of hope when anything seemed possible, but I wasn’t sure if I was just making it up. There were moments when I said, “Lord, did I get this wrong? If this is what You want then why isn’t anything happening?”

They came to see Kristin and me in Colorado in April, my siblings and Ben. A perfect weekend together of hiking and dining and talking and laughing- seven “siblings” all together. They left and I fell on my knees. “God I am tired of waiting!”

That morning I read Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I gave all of these hopes and dreams over to Him. I said, “Lord, I give you my heart. Fill it with the desires YOU want to be there”. There was nothing magical in that prayer, but God heard. The very next day there was a text message and a phone call and a random trip to Kearney, and God said, “This is the story that only I could write”. And now three weeks later they are engaged, ready to serve God and advance His Kingdom and model in their relationship the love Jesus has for us.

Waiting is hard. There are prayers I have prayed, dreams in my heart that are still residing there, unanswered. I now ask that God puts HIS desires there and shapes those dreams to match His. In the waiting, I know I can grow. I can be pruned so that when the bloom of hope and answers come, it is more beautiful than I can even imagine. I keep praying and trusting the Almighty God who controls the universe and knows my heart.

“We are held by the One who put these dreams in our hearts. All we can do is wait. He infuses that which appears hopeless with life-giving, resurrection power. He brings the beauty in His time”. (Robin Jones Gunn)