Everyone is having a baby these days it seems. My facebook feed is filled with the most adorable announcements and newborn pictures. I can't seem to stop hitting the 'like' button! Cute little pregnant women walk past me on the street here, and FYI, they have such sweet maternity clothes here!
God has given me great contentment in my singleness, peace at where He has me in so many different ways. I guess this is a very good thing considering I have YET to meet a single guy here in Cambodia with upright intentions, much less one who loves Jesus and who is willing to take me along on the adventures of missionary life.
Almost one year ago, a bunch of missionaries-to-be gathered at training in Colorado, and we learned to grieve. I grieved all the goodbyes about to come, being close to my family, having a clearly defined role, four distinct seasons, and even the wedding dreams of my childhood. God provided much grace in those days of letting go, of opening my hands and my heart for whatever God wanted to place there.
I never thought I would need to grieve having a baby. But it hit me, rather hard today to be honest. Like suddenly I want a family and a baby crib and adorable baby clothes and celebrating all their "firsts" (and I guess I would need a husband too to make all those things possible).
So, I suppose you can grieve once you are already on the field, at least I did. Journal in hand, I had a little time with my Father to hash this all out. "Why, Lord, does the plan for my life look so much different from everyone else's? Couldn't I just a have a normal life?"
"And who will go to the little villages along the Thai border, to the people who have yet to hear about Me? Who will go to big cities in Thailand, the islands of Indonesia, the hard places where my Gospel is not welcome?"
"Right, Lord. That's why I'm here. But couldn't I do that WITH a husband and a family?"
"Daughter. Instead of looking at the things you feel are lacking, the holes, why not look at what I HAVE given you?"
Sigh. The Lord is always good like that, pointing me towards His grace, His gifts. Perhaps I won't be a mommy, but I can be an auntie to so many other adorable children (one of my favorite memories was being "Auntie Sarah" while at training last year)! I can be an influence in the life of others who might be lacking a good role model at home. Just as Hannah begged God to provide a son, I can go before God on behalf of the Khmer people and ask for a multitude of sons and daughters of the King of Kings in this place.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Throwing a Party
I have been throwing a little party this week, but not necessarily the kind you would want to join. I have hit some sort of 9 month slump in the ups and downs of cultural adjustment I think, and I have had a little mini pity party going on in my head.
You can laugh at me if you would like, tell me I have no reason to be down in the dumps and I will smile and nod, because I know it is true. I am TRUELY blessed to be here, don't get me wrong. I love my language teachers, my daily routine, my friends at our Cambodian church, most days I even enjoy the Khmer language.
The past couple of weeks though I have been adding to a growing list of things that frustrate me. I have added up all the things I miss about America, all the comforts I used to enjoy. They are just that, comforts, things I have learned to do just fine without. Things like baking cinnamon rolls or any baked goods because our mini oven element went out and only has the ability to broil and toast. Things like carpet, wearing sweaters (I never realized how much I would miss this!), neat and orderly traffic.
If I let myself, this list could grow out of proportion, I could stay down in the dumps and decide that I will catch the next plane back to what used to be my world, the familiar.
Thankfully, I was reminded this week of a verse in 2 Corinthians 4, which my supervisor used to encourage the ministry team in western Cambodia. Here it is:
2 Corinthians 4:1: Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.
Here's what I scribbled in my journal this week as God got ahold of my heart:
--This ministry of learning language, the ministry happening in Sompovloun, our future work in western Cambodia, is only possible through God's mercy. It is not that we are amazing, because we definitely aren't, or that we do things in our own strength or understanding. Our ministry is possible because we are dependent on God's mercy. Paul talks a couple of times in 2 Corinthians 4 about not losing heart. Apparently this is a tendency for workers or all believers! As Paul says in the chapter in several ways, our weaknesses show off God's power. It is not about us, but letting people see God's glory, how awesome He is, because He gives us the strength that we need.--
I am thankful for God's fresh grace and mercy, the way that He doesn't leave us when we get distracted or focused on the wrong things. In his grace He has been helping me turn my pity party into a celebration of His gifts, how even in the crazy traffic and learning to appreciate the "new familiar" I can rejoice.
How is God showering you with fresh grace? What are some of your joys, big or small? I would love to hear about them!
***** Sidenote: even with our oven issues, Kristin managed to make delicious brownies this week. Can I just say that chocolate is a delightful gift from God?
You can laugh at me if you would like, tell me I have no reason to be down in the dumps and I will smile and nod, because I know it is true. I am TRUELY blessed to be here, don't get me wrong. I love my language teachers, my daily routine, my friends at our Cambodian church, most days I even enjoy the Khmer language.
The past couple of weeks though I have been adding to a growing list of things that frustrate me. I have added up all the things I miss about America, all the comforts I used to enjoy. They are just that, comforts, things I have learned to do just fine without. Things like baking cinnamon rolls or any baked goods because our mini oven element went out and only has the ability to broil and toast. Things like carpet, wearing sweaters (I never realized how much I would miss this!), neat and orderly traffic.
If I let myself, this list could grow out of proportion, I could stay down in the dumps and decide that I will catch the next plane back to what used to be my world, the familiar.
Thankfully, I was reminded this week of a verse in 2 Corinthians 4, which my supervisor used to encourage the ministry team in western Cambodia. Here it is:
2 Corinthians 4:1: Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.
Here's what I scribbled in my journal this week as God got ahold of my heart:
--This ministry of learning language, the ministry happening in Sompovloun, our future work in western Cambodia, is only possible through God's mercy. It is not that we are amazing, because we definitely aren't, or that we do things in our own strength or understanding. Our ministry is possible because we are dependent on God's mercy. Paul talks a couple of times in 2 Corinthians 4 about not losing heart. Apparently this is a tendency for workers or all believers! As Paul says in the chapter in several ways, our weaknesses show off God's power. It is not about us, but letting people see God's glory, how awesome He is, because He gives us the strength that we need.--
I am thankful for God's fresh grace and mercy, the way that He doesn't leave us when we get distracted or focused on the wrong things. In his grace He has been helping me turn my pity party into a celebration of His gifts, how even in the crazy traffic and learning to appreciate the "new familiar" I can rejoice.
How is God showering you with fresh grace? What are some of your joys, big or small? I would love to hear about them!
***** Sidenote: even with our oven issues, Kristin managed to make delicious brownies this week. Can I just say that chocolate is a delightful gift from God?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
My Beautiful Nose
I inherited the rather large Hilkemann nose. I knew this even as a child.
From my mother:
"July 30, 1989. When the wedding was over and the ushers were letting each row of people go, Mark, Sarah and Beth were talking to a little girl in the seat behind us. Beth was pointing to the girl's nose. Mark commented about it saying, 'She has a little nose like Beth does!' Sarah then said, 'Yah, and I have a big nose like Daddy!"
Last weekend while in western Cambodia we went to the village of Ou Thmaa for Bible study, and stopped in to visit an aunt that was a new believer. She was delighted to meet the foreign girls. Looking at me she exclaimed, "Look at her nose! It is so long! It is beautiful!" I'm pretty sure she talked about my lovely nose at least three or four more times.
I never thought I would hear ANYONE say I had a beautiful nose. There are perks to living in this country.
From my mother:
"July 30, 1989. When the wedding was over and the ushers were letting each row of people go, Mark, Sarah and Beth were talking to a little girl in the seat behind us. Beth was pointing to the girl's nose. Mark commented about it saying, 'She has a little nose like Beth does!' Sarah then said, 'Yah, and I have a big nose like Daddy!"
Last weekend while in western Cambodia we went to the village of Ou Thmaa for Bible study, and stopped in to visit an aunt that was a new believer. She was delighted to meet the foreign girls. Looking at me she exclaimed, "Look at her nose! It is so long! It is beautiful!" I'm pretty sure she talked about my lovely nose at least three or four more times.
I never thought I would hear ANYONE say I had a beautiful nose. There are perks to living in this country.
The Art of Bathing Properly
There is an ebb and flow to village life, a daily rhythm and routine. This last weekend, two very tall, foreign girls stepped into the current to live the village life for a few days in western Cambodia.
We did some things well: we slept on the floor of our friend's simple wooden house under a mosquito net with the music of a wedding ceremony nearby to accompany our dreams and the early morning chanting of the monks over the loud speaker to serve as our alarm clock. We walked down dirt roads, sat and talked with aunts and uncles and learned the proper name of what we had previously only known as stir-fried vegetables.
But we did not know how to bathe properly. The wash room at our friend's house was a water pump and a bucket in the front yard. Since this pump is only a few feet from the road, in view of anyone that might pass by, the first day we did our bathing with our clothes on. It seemed to work for us, but our new friends stared in wonder and whispered to one another. "They only washed their arms and legs and faces", one girl exclaimed to her sister. You see, the proper way is with a sarong or two wrapped around you to provide enough modesty while still allowing for proper cleansing. A neighbor was located who had an outhouse with a water supply so that the foreigners would bathe in privacy. "You must be clean!" they said. By the next morning the story had spread several villages away.
Apparently we have much still to learn.
We did some things well: we slept on the floor of our friend's simple wooden house under a mosquito net with the music of a wedding ceremony nearby to accompany our dreams and the early morning chanting of the monks over the loud speaker to serve as our alarm clock. We walked down dirt roads, sat and talked with aunts and uncles and learned the proper name of what we had previously only known as stir-fried vegetables.
But we did not know how to bathe properly. The wash room at our friend's house was a water pump and a bucket in the front yard. Since this pump is only a few feet from the road, in view of anyone that might pass by, the first day we did our bathing with our clothes on. It seemed to work for us, but our new friends stared in wonder and whispered to one another. "They only washed their arms and legs and faces", one girl exclaimed to her sister. You see, the proper way is with a sarong or two wrapped around you to provide enough modesty while still allowing for proper cleansing. A neighbor was located who had an outhouse with a water supply so that the foreigners would bathe in privacy. "You must be clean!" they said. By the next morning the story had spread several villages away.
Apparently we have much still to learn.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Status
It is amazing how quickly things can change within a culture! In the last few months, Kristin and I have observed that motorcycles (the little 125cc bikes we call motos) have gone from a normal mode of transportation to a status symbol and way to be "cool". Big, 1,000 cc motos have made an appearance and have become quite popular with the young male crowd. It is not possible to drive these ginormous bikes slowly and carefully, instead you must zoom down the road, weaving in and out with no care for pedestrians. Coming home from the grocery store today I was almost run over by a crazy man on such a moto, who was more interested in impressing his girlfriend than watching the road.
It is easy to let other things define us, determine our status. It might be our possessions (even I wouldn't mind a lovely cherry red Honda Dream someday), our relationship status, our job, our degrees, our family, and the list could go on. Can I let you in on a little heart secret? Years ago when God was first burdening my heart for unreached peoples and far-off places, I delighted in the thought of people knowing I was a missionary. Somehow this vocation was a cut above the rest. "Perhaps now I will get the attention/respect/etc., etc. that I so wanted in high school," I thought, because somehow a title could give me a special status, define me. Oh, how wrong I was. First of all, living in a foreign country, carrying the job title "missionary" is NOT higher up on the totem pole than any other work God might call us to do. I was full of pride to think that it was.
Truthfully, all too often I look to outside things to define me, to give me a higher status. But instead, I need to look to my Heavenly Father. Here's what He had to say to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 10:17: "For The Lord your God is the God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes". It is not about our status but the Lord's status, which is AWESOME! He is far above what our little minds can imagine, ALL-powerful, and yet He chooses to love us. He chooses to gift us and call us and put each of us in a unique position in order to bring Him glory and speak His truth.
Love God, walk in His ways, serve Him with your whole heart, and obey His commands (Deut. 10:12-13), and don't let status become the idol of your heart! (#Preaching to myself)
These things are scary when they are coming right at you!
It is easy to let other things define us, determine our status. It might be our possessions (even I wouldn't mind a lovely cherry red Honda Dream someday), our relationship status, our job, our degrees, our family, and the list could go on. Can I let you in on a little heart secret? Years ago when God was first burdening my heart for unreached peoples and far-off places, I delighted in the thought of people knowing I was a missionary. Somehow this vocation was a cut above the rest. "Perhaps now I will get the attention/respect/etc., etc. that I so wanted in high school," I thought, because somehow a title could give me a special status, define me. Oh, how wrong I was. First of all, living in a foreign country, carrying the job title "missionary" is NOT higher up on the totem pole than any other work God might call us to do. I was full of pride to think that it was.
Truthfully, all too often I look to outside things to define me, to give me a higher status. But instead, I need to look to my Heavenly Father. Here's what He had to say to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 10:17: "For The Lord your God is the God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes". It is not about our status but the Lord's status, which is AWESOME! He is far above what our little minds can imagine, ALL-powerful, and yet He chooses to love us. He chooses to gift us and call us and put each of us in a unique position in order to bring Him glory and speak His truth.
Love God, walk in His ways, serve Him with your whole heart, and obey His commands (Deut. 10:12-13), and don't let status become the idol of your heart! (#Preaching to myself)
This is much more my style- but purely for transportation, not status!
(2011 Honda Dream)
(2011 Honda Dream)
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Letting Go of the Pack
The British 1986 film The Mission tells the story of a Jesuit missionary named Gabriel who sets up a post in the jungles of South America in the mid-18th century. Father Gabriel meets slave trader Rodrigo, who following his murder of his adulterous younger brother has fallen into deep guilt and depression. Father Gabriel proposes Rodrigo serve at the jungle outpost as his penance, among the very people Rodrigo formerly enslaved and sold. In order to reach the village and further make restitution for his guilt, Rodrigo must lug a heavy pack up the treacherous trail to the village.The journey is rough as it is, climbing up a mountain and crossing a dangerous waterfall. Rodrigo arrives bedraggled and having almost lost his life a number of times, the pack weighing heavy on his back. He is greeted by the villagers, who really have every right to respond in hate and anger. Instead, in a beautiful picture of forgiveness, the villagers cut off Rodrigo's heavy burden and cast it back down the mountain. (Here's a link to the scene: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wzhhFRqjF_o)
The Father has been making me aware of late how quickly I add the pack of guilt to my shoulders and carry it around. It is not usually a burden I should be bearing, but the expectations of others, my own expectations of my myself, fear of the "what if's" and pondering the "if only's" sometimes add rocks to a pack that is too much to bear and I struggle along up the path. Did not Jesus say, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light"? (Matthew 11:30) Last Sunday we arrived at our normal time for church and someone invited us to join the young adult Bible study. It had already been going on for 40 minutes with only a few minutes left. I found myself thinking, "We shouldn't be interrupting their time so late! They are going to wonder why we are there. We will just be a bother!" (I am sure this comes from my western view of the importance of time) Today was one of those days when the words swirled around in my head and did not get organized enough to come out of my mouth in an orderly fashion. I came home from class thinking that surely after 7 months here I would be done with frustrating language days! Maybe I am not cut out to learn this language or any language.
"Wait, daughter," I hear the Father saying. "Is that your burden to bear?" Do I need to feel guilt for what others might think, when I don't even know what that might be? Will there not be frustrating days no matter where I am, or what language I am speaking? Here's the invitation found in Matthew 11:28-29: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls". Rest, learn grace, extend grace. Cut off that pack and let it roll down the mountain, knowing freedom and forgiveness always in Christ. Am I bearing my own heavy burden, adding unnecessary rocks of guilt, or am I taking up the light burden of Christ?
The Father has been making me aware of late how quickly I add the pack of guilt to my shoulders and carry it around. It is not usually a burden I should be bearing, but the expectations of others, my own expectations of my myself, fear of the "what if's" and pondering the "if only's" sometimes add rocks to a pack that is too much to bear and I struggle along up the path. Did not Jesus say, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light"? (Matthew 11:30) Last Sunday we arrived at our normal time for church and someone invited us to join the young adult Bible study. It had already been going on for 40 minutes with only a few minutes left. I found myself thinking, "We shouldn't be interrupting their time so late! They are going to wonder why we are there. We will just be a bother!" (I am sure this comes from my western view of the importance of time) Today was one of those days when the words swirled around in my head and did not get organized enough to come out of my mouth in an orderly fashion. I came home from class thinking that surely after 7 months here I would be done with frustrating language days! Maybe I am not cut out to learn this language or any language.
"Wait, daughter," I hear the Father saying. "Is that your burden to bear?" Do I need to feel guilt for what others might think, when I don't even know what that might be? Will there not be frustrating days no matter where I am, or what language I am speaking? Here's the invitation found in Matthew 11:28-29: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls". Rest, learn grace, extend grace. Cut off that pack and let it roll down the mountain, knowing freedom and forgiveness always in Christ. Am I bearing my own heavy burden, adding unnecessary rocks of guilt, or am I taking up the light burden of Christ?
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
It is Coming!
It is easy to be afraid- when crowds fill the streets, demanding only what is fair and right. Marching to protest injustice, only to have the leaders take away this ability. Clashes that turn violent and deadly, people put in prison and cut off from their families. When my eyes are only on the newspaper and latest updates on Twitter, it is easy to see just the problems and worry.
But the Father is saying, "Sarah, daughter of little faith! Don't you see that this is part of my plan for this nation?" I have prayed, prayed for a shaking of this place until only God's Kingdom remains. A light burning so bright in this country that nations surrounding are drawn to the glory of God that is on display here. And it is coming! God is doing something big, the start of His healing of this nation, these people. The chains that have held these people captive will be broken! Pray this with me, will you?
Isaiah 62:1-4 (NLT) Because I love Zion [and Cambodia], I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch. The nations will see your righteousness. World leaders will be blinded by your glory. And you will be given a new name by the Lord's own mouth. The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see- a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called, "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land". Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God".
But the Father is saying, "Sarah, daughter of little faith! Don't you see that this is part of my plan for this nation?" I have prayed, prayed for a shaking of this place until only God's Kingdom remains. A light burning so bright in this country that nations surrounding are drawn to the glory of God that is on display here. And it is coming! God is doing something big, the start of His healing of this nation, these people. The chains that have held these people captive will be broken! Pray this with me, will you?
Isaiah 62:1-4 (NLT) Because I love Zion [and Cambodia], I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch. The nations will see your righteousness. World leaders will be blinded by your glory. And you will be given a new name by the Lord's own mouth. The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see- a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called, "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land". Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God".
Friday, January 3, 2014
My One Word- 2014
Yep, I'm joining the one-word bandwagon- choosing a word to dwell on for the year. At first when I heard about this concept I was a bit skeptical. How do I land on one word that could be a theme for the entire year? I have no idea what the next year might hold, I don't know what all God might want to teach me.
But, I have been coming back to a passage of Scripture for the last few months and out of this God gave me a word and really a goal for the year (and probably the foreseeable future): treasure.
It comes from 2 Corinthians 4:6-7: For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
As I was praying for my team here several months ago, God gave me a picture of a group of cracked pots representing each of us who are serving here. My cracks-areas of weakness or struggle-are different from every one else's. But God's glory can (hopefully) shine brighter through our weaknesses as He reveals Himself to the Cambodian people.
Lately I have been realizing the things that I am pursuing, the things that take up the most space in my heart and and mind, are really quite earthly. What do I most treasure? Is it Jesus? That is what I want to linger on, lean in to this year. The God who created light, who breathed life, and provides every good thing, allowed us to know Him through Jesus. The Son who was fully God humbled Himself to take on human flesh, crossing barriers and making His home in our broken world. Not because He had anything to gain, but because of a love so deep it carried him to the cross. Jesus is the treasure I want to pursue this year.
But, I have been coming back to a passage of Scripture for the last few months and out of this God gave me a word and really a goal for the year (and probably the foreseeable future): treasure.
It comes from 2 Corinthians 4:6-7: For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
As I was praying for my team here several months ago, God gave me a picture of a group of cracked pots representing each of us who are serving here. My cracks-areas of weakness or struggle-are different from every one else's. But God's glory can (hopefully) shine brighter through our weaknesses as He reveals Himself to the Cambodian people.
Lately I have been realizing the things that I am pursuing, the things that take up the most space in my heart and and mind, are really quite earthly. What do I most treasure? Is it Jesus? That is what I want to linger on, lean in to this year. The God who created light, who breathed life, and provides every good thing, allowed us to know Him through Jesus. The Son who was fully God humbled Himself to take on human flesh, crossing barriers and making His home in our broken world. Not because He had anything to gain, but because of a love so deep it carried him to the cross. Jesus is the treasure I want to pursue this year.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2013: A Year In Review
Highlights from the year just finished
Kristin and I spent 5 weeks in Colorado at Mission Training International. I can't imagine coming overseas without this training! We laughed, cried and learned with people on the same journey heading to many different countries. I learned huge lessons about my own heart that have shaped my transition over the last few months.
We said hard goodbyes to family and friends, and I am so thankful for those last precious moments with my family before leaving! Then we said 'hello' to a different, new adventure. A new place to live, new language, new food and new friends and experiences.
My youngest brother Matthew came to help with VBS in western Cambodia! It was so fun to share that adventure with him and see His love for Jesus and the kids.
My sister got married. I got to go home for the wedding, I gained a brother-in-law, I cried a lot, and dealt with jet-lag twice in 10 days. SO WORTH IT.
Ready for whatever adventure God has next!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
The Harvest Fields
Luke 10:2 He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask The Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
Photo Credit: Emily Hilkemann
John 4:34-35 "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest."
Photo Credit: Kristin Tillotson
Matthew 28:18-20 Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Photo Credit: Emily Hilkemann
Hebrews 12:11-13 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and week knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled but rather healed.
Isaiah 60:1-3 "Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of The Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but The Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn".
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